Breaking Free from the ‘Shoulds’: Reclaiming Your Sexual Freedom

How many times have you been told you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way about sex? Maybe it came from a passing comment, a societal norm, or even your inner critic echoing things you’ve heard your whole life. These ‘shoulds’ can feel small at first, but over time, they build up, becoming heavy chains that keep us stuck in shame, guilt, or confusion.

Let’s take a deep breath and get real for a moment: there is no single “right” way to experience your sexuality. 🚫 Your journey is uniquely yours, and the ‘shoulds’ imposed by others—or even yourself—have no place in defining it.

The Heavy Toll of ‘Shoulds’ on Sexual Confidence

The problem with ‘shoulds’ is that they often push us into corners where shame and self-doubt thrive. When you constantly measure yourself against someone else’s expectations, it becomes almost impossible to connect with what feels right for you.

1. Shame: You might feel embarrassed or wrong for wanting or not wanting certain things.
2. Disconnection: Instead of embracing your desires, you may distance yourself from them, creating a gap between who you are and who you think you should be.
3. Fear: The fear of judgment or rejection can keep you from exploring or sharing your true feelings.

These ‘shoulds’ rarely reflect who we are. Instead, they’re judgments imposed on us, often by people who have no idea what it’s like to walk in our shoes.

Where Do These ‘Shoulds’ Come From?

The ‘shoulds’ around sex and sexuality don’t appear out of thin air. They’re planted and nurtured by the world around us, often without us realizing it. Here are some of the most common sources:

• Cultural and Societal Norms: We’re surrounded by messages about what’s “appropriate” or “acceptable” when it comes to sex. These norms can vary wildly, yet they all carry a similar weight: conform or be judged.
• Family and Upbringing: Many of us grew up in households where sex was treated as taboo or only acceptable under specific conditions. These early messages shape our beliefs, often lingering into adulthood.
• Media and Pop Culture: Movies, TV shows, and social media paint a very narrow picture of what sexuality should look like. If you don’t fit that mold, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing it wrong.
• Religious or Moral Teachings: For many, faith can be a source of comfort and guidance. But when it comes to sexuality, it can also introduce rigid rules and judgments that feel impossible to reconcile with personal truths.

How to Overcome ‘Shoulds’ and Embrace Sexual Freedom

Breaking free from the weight of ‘shoulds’ is no small task, but it’s a journey worth taking. Here’s how you can start reclaiming your sexual confidence and truth:

1. Notice the ‘Shoulds’
   The next time a ‘should’ sneaks into your thoughts, pause. Ask yourself, “Is this really true for me, or is this someone else’s judgment?” This simple question can help you identify whether a belief is truly yours or borrowed.

2. Get Curious About Your Truth
   Instead of focusing on what you’ve been told, shift your attention to what feels authentic. What are your values? What excites you, fulfills you, or feels right in your body and mind?

3. Reframe the Narrative
   Replace ‘should’ with empowering statements like:

   • “I choose what feels right for me.”
   • “My desires are valid.”
   • “There’s no wrong way to experience my sexuality.”

4. Seek Support
   Sometimes, letting go of deeply ingrained ‘shoulds’ requires help. A trusted friend, therapist, or coach can provide perspective and encouragement as you unlearn what no longer serves you.

5. Celebrate Your Wins
   Every time you identify and release a ‘should,’ celebrate it! Recognizing your progress reinforces your commitment to living authentically.

A Personal Reflection

I once had a conversation with a client who was feeling weighed down by a constant barrage of ‘shoulds’ about their sexuality. They told me, “I know I should feel more confident. I should enjoy this more. I shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I can’t help it.”

I could see how much pain those ‘shoulds’ were causing, and I gently asked, “Whose voice are you really hearing? Is it yours, or is it someone else’s judgment?”

That question seemed to catch them off guard. After a pause, they admitted, “I guess… it’s not mine. It’s what I’ve been told all my life.”

We spent time unpacking those thoughts together, separating their own feelings from the expectations others had placed on them. By the end of our session, they smiled and said, “For the first time, I feel like I can give myself permission to figure out what I actually want—without all the noise.”

That moment reminded me why letting go of the ‘shoulds’ is so important. Seeing someone reclaim their freedom and connect with their truth is a powerful thing, and it’s a reminder that we all have the ability to rewrite the narrative for ourselves.

The Freedom of Letting Go

When you let go of the ‘shoulds,’ you create space—space to discover what truly resonates with you, space to honor your desires, and space to embrace the freedom of living authentically.

This isn’t about ignoring responsibilities or disregarding others’ feelings; it’s about recognizing that your sexuality is yours alone to define. It’s about reclaiming your power and living in alignment with your truth, free from the weight of external judgments.

Your Invitation to Freedom

Here’s my invitation to you: the next time a ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ pops up, pause. Reflect. Ask yourself, “Is this true for me?” Start small, with one thought, one belief, or one expectation. As you practice releasing the ‘shoulds,’ you’ll notice how much lighter you feel—how much more room there is for joy, connection, and authenticity.

Because the truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all way to experience your sexuality. And the moment you let go of the ‘shoulds,’ you make room for what feels right for you. 💫

Final Thoughts

The journey toward sexual freedom is deeply personal, and there’s no perfect map to guide you. But one thing is certain: letting go of the ‘shoulds’ is a step worth taking. It’s a step toward reclaiming your voice, your desires, and your power.

You deserve to feel confident and free in your skin, unburdened by shame or judgment. So, take that step. Embrace your truth. And remember—you’re not alone on this journey. 🌟