Be Curious, Not Defensive: The Secret to Deepening Your Connection

It’s happened to all of us: your partner brings up an issue, and before you know it, you’re on the defensive. Maybe you feel misunderstood, criticized, or attacked. It’s a natural reaction, but here’s the truth: defensiveness doesn’t bring you closer. In fact, it creates walls where there could be bridges.

If you’re serious about deepening your connection, there’s a better way: curiosity.

Instead of shutting down or jumping to conclusions, try getting curious. A simple question like, “Why is this important to you?” or “Can you help me understand?” can transform the dynamic from me vs. you to us vs. the problem. It takes practice, but the rewards are worth it.

Why Defensiveness Gets in the Way

Defensiveness is a knee-jerk reaction designed to protect us. When we feel criticized or attacked, we explain, blame, or shut down to avoid feeling vulnerable. While these reactions might feel self-protective in the moment, they actually do more harm than good in relationships.

Here’s how defensiveness hurts connection:

1. It Blocks Listening: When you’re focused on defending yourself, it’s hard to hear your partner’s perspective.
2. It Fuels Conflict: Defensiveness often escalates disagreements, turning small issues into bigger ones.
3. It Erodes Trust: If your partner feels unheard or dismissed, they may stop sharing their feelings altogether.

The good news? You can choose curiosity instead of defensiveness.

How Curiosity Strengthens Connection

Curiosity shifts the focus from protecting yourself to understanding your partner. It invites dialogue, empathy, and collaboration—essential ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Here’s why curiosity is a game-changer:

• It Encourages Openness: Asking questions helps your partner feel heard and valued.
• It Validates Their Feelings: Even if you don’t fully agree, showing curiosity demonstrates that their emotions matter to you.
• It Turns Conflict Into Collaboration: By working together to understand the issue, you’re tackling the problem as a team.

Practical Tips for Replacing Defensiveness with Curiosity

If you’re ready to try curiosity instead of defensiveness, here’s how to start:

1. Pause Before Reacting
   When your partner brings up an issue, take a breath before responding. Remind yourself: This isn’t about being right—it’s about understanding.

2. Ask Thoughtful Questions
   Replace explanations or excuses with genuine curiosity. For example:

   • “Why is this important to you?”
   • “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?”
   • “What would help us move forward together?”

3. Validate Their Perspective
   Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t fully agree. For instance: “I can see why this upset you. Let’s figure it out together.”

4. Stay Focused on the Problem
   Avoid making the issue about who’s right or wrong. Instead, approach it as us vs. the problem.

5. Practice Self-Awareness
   Pay attention to your triggers and ask yourself, Why am I feeling defensive? Understanding your own emotions can help you respond more thoughtfully.

A Personal Reflection

I once worked with a client who was struggling with defensiveness in their relationship. They came to me feeling stuck, saying, “Every time my partner brings something up, it turns into an argument. I feel like I have to explain myself, and it just makes everything worse.”

We explored their communication patterns, and it became clear that defensiveness was blocking connection. They weren’t intentionally shutting their partner out—they were just so focused on protecting themselves that they couldn’t fully listen to what their partner was saying.

I encouraged them to try a new approach: the next time their partner raised an issue, they would pause, take a deep breath, and ask a simple question like, “Why is this important to you?” or “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?”

The shift didn’t happen overnight, but they stuck with it. One day, they came to me and shared a breakthrough. During a heated conversation, instead of jumping in to defend themselves, they paused and asked, “Can you help me understand what’s bothering you?” Their partner opened up in a way they hadn’t before, and for the first time in a long time, they felt like they were on the same team.

Hearing that was such a powerful reminder of the impact curiosity can have. It doesn’t just defuse conflict—it builds bridges of understanding and trust. When you approach your partner with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you create space for connection, even in the toughest moments.

Your Challenge: Practice Curiosity in Your Conversations

The next time your partner brings up an issue, resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, try asking:

• “Why is this important to you?”
• “What can I do to help?”
• “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”

Notice how the conversation shifts when you approach it with openness instead of defensiveness. Over time, this practice will strengthen your connection and build trust that lasts.

Final Thoughts

Being curious instead of defensive isn’t easy—it takes practice and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. But the rewards are undeniable.

Curiosity turns conflict into connection. It shows your partner that you care about their feelings and value their perspective. Most importantly, it reminds both of you that you’re on the same team, working toward a shared goal of understanding and love.

So the next time you feel defensiveness creeping in, take a deep breath and lean into curiosity. You’ve got this. 🌟